Talking with Noah

Dear Reader(s?),

Just Quickly, I need to let you know what I saw on 51st and 8th avenue this evening. I have an uncomfortable and ridiculous problem with Arm Pits. I don’t even like the word Deodorant. I use it, sure, but I don’t watch other people, I mean Can’tand I just can not think about them very long without throwing up a little in my mouth. I am writing this entry over a bucket. Anyway, some actually overweight old lady in a blue spaghetti strap with turkey neck was sitting in a Lawn Chair on the corner. Now, I do not care about that. In fact, I thought she was cute. But then I noticed she was Holding Her Arm Pit. Like, grabbing a big hunk of it, raising her arm and just sitting there. She was very fat and it appeared to not quite fit in her little meaty palm. Why would you Hold that part of yourself? Scratch, Yes that is fine. Rest Your Hand In, Questionable, and NOT for me, but Okay. Hold like a bible? Please Do Not. I know I am ultra sensitive, and a little judgmental, but it really upset me, and it was all I could do to try and hide the diarrhea and simultaneous vomit I was experiencing all the way to 9th avenue. But I do hope that she enjoyed her 4th. And if this is normal to a large group of people, I respect their misguided choices.

Noah

Dear Reader(s?),

I don’t know if you know who Chelsea Handler is. She is a comedian, she has a fab show on E called Chelsea Lately. She does stand up, and shes a writer. You probably already googled her once you saw my updated facebook profile with all my chelsea handler updations. Or maybe you own your own television or a working head, and have already encountered her in some way. Shes so fucking funny. I love her. I don’t often find myself noticing specific people to worship, but I could not avoid it with her. I am just reading her second book – Are Youb There, Vodka? Its Me, Chelsea. It is HILARIOUS. And I am using my massive publicity to help her sell some of them.

I have been very happy lately, and I have been spending way too much time with Susie. When I say way too much time with Susie I mean that we are becoming a Little Too Close. Why just the other day I had to pull her hand out of her vagina because she felt comfortable enough to do some investigative scratching while we were lounging in the Living Room. She admitted afterward that it would probably have been best if she hadn’t been so public with that. I don’t mean to talk bad about her public manner, seeing as I am almost always passed out in one corner or another of the apartment in nothing but a pair of stained panties. But if you were living in this New York City Heat you might also find yourself doing things you thought were only appropriate for Dungeons & Dragons playing homeschoolers. I for instance did not know it was possible to take so many showers and never be clean. Its probably because I find it difficult to stand when I am in the shower. Its so hot, and I get so exhausted once that warm water starts caressing me. Once I am on the floor I will grab the soap bar and drop it on my chest hoping the running water will lather and scrub for me. I should be more concerned, but I get tired.
I have been taking a lot of showers, not only because I love them, but also because thats the only way to clean your ass when you don’t buy toilet paper. Well, we do buy toilet paper, we just also happen to poop onto it more often than we want to restock. Sometimes you want to just buy those 8 roll packs, which is gr8. But then its even worse when you run out, and if you have no concern for the taboo of being lazy and gross like us, then you may end up having to either wait to poop when you’re at some place that has better standards, or schedule it closer to a time you could just take a shower and wash yourself off that way.
I don’t want you to think any of my room mates are as lenient as I am. But if they have some stash of napkins I don’t know about, I would be highly surprised.
NoahTourjee.com expires in like 3 days, and I Need 2 Renew It. This is just a matter of schlepping my oily body to a Bank of America and making a deposit. But I really get tired and I just hate having to go out of my way like that. Of course, I do think I would kill myself if I didn’t have this Vanity, so I guess I will schlep. Now lets say Good-Bye, Alright?
I Need 2 go beddybye

Peaces
xoNoah

oh, btw
Peaces is a new slang I am using for Goodbye or Lata. I think its cute and that it is really going to catch on, but Alta tells me its retarded. I don’t think she is right about this one, but you know, I Have been wrong about somethings before. But not usually about new slang, that I got down smackapat.

Dear Reader(s?),

Do you ever feel like people just Don’t move fast enuff? Probably not, seeing as I’m the only needy bitch on the earth these days. Well legend has it that Noah gets fucking pissed off when the fat ass bitch ass pieces of shit on earth don’t acknowledge that you are In Fact also moving on the same side walk as they are and would Appreciate it if they would use their big stumpy clumpy legs to reposition themselves on the side walk. I realize this is probably coming off as a bit OVER REACTING. But I hope not. Because if you understand how terrible these people are, then we’ve something in common. I move when I walk by people, I go out of my way to make sure that I am not going to COLLIDE into another transient being. However when I am consistently faced with other creature4s who would jsut as soon take out my delicate shoulders than take a slight stray to the left, I become filled with hatred. Just move, it is not hard. But for now on I am going to literally start hitting anyone who does not show an equal effort to get out of my way as I show to them as I attempt to divert myself from their direct path.

UGH W/E

NOAH

Dear Reader(s?),

Oh, My GOD. It is so Ridic Hawt outtie, y’kno? I almost shit myself today it was so warm. Lol, actually in All Honesty, I did technically shit myself today. But I don’t think its as bad as it sounds. First of all I thought I might be passing gas, and secondly it was only a Minor Leak really. I didn’t see it coming, and Believe Me Fans, I dove into the nearest Mcdonalds and took care of business. Can I just say, I always think the word Business looks weird. It is Always my first inclination to spell it BUISNESS. And then I say mentally or out loud “BUSY-NESS” TO remind myself of the way it is spelled. Because truly, it is spelled business, which looks like busyness, which is a stupid way to say a word.

Now, lets move on to more important topics -Unless you’re still hung up on the fact I anally wet myself, like it hasn’t happened to all y’all anyway. Like peeps have probz wit the Human Body? Cum on, U gotta be kidding me, nuttin 2 worry about. Just consider it a tiny bump in the road 2 success and happiness. You can’t expect a smooth ride the whole way, a smooth flow on the other hand…now that has potential. LOL jk jk…

But 4 realsie, isn’t it unbearable 2 live in any degree above 85? I just do not see it happening. I am buying an AC this week, and installing it into my window and keeping it at 45 until November 30th, and then I will take it out. You know those shit heads who want to take their ACs out by like September? FUCK them. They do, and then you’re at their place, or if you’re unlucky its also Your place, and now its god damn hot as hell and nothing to do but plop a bowl of ice in front of a fan and act all poor and shit. Of course the first thing out of their mouth is “Ah its an Indian Summer this year!” AS IF thats the only explanation why their living room is hotter than Ben Afflecks ASS. The point is its a fucking indian summer EVERY YEAR for those people. But not me. If I have my way, and who knows when thatll happen….But It Would Be Cold all year round. Not cold, stfu, but you know Nice. I like the hot days when I wanna go swimming, but not fucking in my bed. I want a blanket to comfort me, not suffocate me.

Also! I have recently purchased the Domain Name omgboy.com,
With no interest of developing a new site, just expanding noahtourjee.com
So, for now on you can access this site via noahtourjee.com or omgboy.com
both will bring you here, essentially.

Anyway Y’all thats bout it. I am looking pretty cute right now, but obv I miss my hair. I have some rlly Fun Ideas for it tho…tee hee

xoxoNo

P.S.
So…Did I mention that my site is going to expire in like 28 days? Point is, I need to make 100 dollars to spend on rebuying it for the year. I obviously dont have much money, and you obviously do. Lol kidding, I know yall prolly dont have much either. Point is, if anyone has anything they want to donate to me, in the divine interest of prolonging noahtourjee.com…you may due so using this extremely accessible donation button! There is one on the front page of my site, and here in this post. Lovely readers plz help us stay ALIVE, the omgboy sisterhood will survive…much love & thx 2 any1 who can and cant.

Dear Reader(s?),

Silently the veil was lifted, his coarse skin offering a flat depth with the pale moons offering. Christopher peeled away the laces, caressed the hardened face of his weathered bride. Frozen in time, standing before the open threshold..would it be enough to carry him to the safety of a rented bed? Could the trials He suffered before Him be left to remain dormant in the past. Or was it too late, despite the truth and love Christopher exuded from every orifice, for Him to warm Himself or receive the warmth of others? Christopher grabbed His back and threw Him over his shoulder. Marching towards thew Grand mattress before them, he threw his lover to the bed. He fell to the bed a mess of emotion, and though pained and concerned, still looked upwards at Christopher with the strong notion this could be true. Christopher removed his cuff links and loosened his tie. He lowered himself over Him gradually with his full body being supported by two powerful and weight bearing arms, pinned firmly along either side of Him. Courageously He opened his cowering eyes, and whimpered as he drew His hand close to Christopher’s face, and grazed the unkempt shadow of a long day. Christopher showed one more sign of delicate passion before uprooting the latent wonder of lust. He flipped Him over and reached far under His dress to find the taught Girdle binding His tender thigh. Christopher tore it from Him and pounced them, tossing the girdle with reckless abandon from the bed. He squirmed like a loose worm, bearing its eyeless tube like body to the dry heat of an unforgiving sun. Coldly begging to be released to the soil, the snake from Christopher’s groin erupted in a violent strike, and whipped Him across the face. It was the sun rising on a frozen stone, the frost turned to dew, and life formed on His empty face. The slap of Christopher’s cock woke Him up, and now he groaned in a sluts call for the beast to re enter him like a dirty whore. Christopher grinned at this proposal as he had his hole back, the same eager crevice that so often swallowed him before. With his hardening grasp Christopher squeezed Him until there were black and blue remnants of his hold. They went at it for hours delving into the twisting paths of His cavernous anus. The pools of semen and sweat flowed freely over the mattress and collected on the floor, soaking through to the ceiling of hotel rooms far beneath them. The city now drenched in their sex, they were fully awakened and happily awakening the whole world to their vigorous needs. So rose the sun, and spilled upon them the steaming semen of morning.

xoNo

Dear Reader(s?),

I write Erotic Fiction and Non-Fiction. I occassionally post these here on my blog. I like writing about sex a lot, Its meditative and relaxing. I had a very crazy fun time this last week in Massachusetts, lots to write about. No sex or anything, UNFORTUNATELY. Anyway, its always so dramatic to go home, and it raises a bunch of shit you may not even have known was there. I am having a bit of a hard time without A Job. But I see no reason or value in being anything other than a Ruthless Optimist. So, I am not worried. The world is like one of those big ticking time bombs. One day that ticking will cease and then something new will happen. But unlike those bombs it will not be a catastrophic catastrophe. That ticking will calm and from the new silence will spill a Euphoric Rainbow of Truth and Beauty.

Fountains of water corrode the structure, and deep channells that guide to the source guide you. But every touch, deeper than the first, pushes you to climax. As is so with natures flow of water, it is also with man. And every new expellant of that eager tiger, digs through another mound of latent structure. This, until there is no more to resist. So together you cleanse it, and dirty it up. The reach is just response to the beckon, and the beckon to the reach. Trickling down your neck like a leaking spell, enchanting you to the feral devotion of wolves. You gorge yourself on that nectar, swallowing and soon you recreate those expulsions, and thick streaming heat stains again. But so what, what lies between you and your animal intercourse? The beaten paths of a glutton and a mongering whore. The world is a map to the fortune, and it is for you to find it. Maybe in a million dreams, the seeds are pouring around us. Seeded and stained on this surface as that of your room. Dirty dirty, you feel. Wet and tumbled in mud and filth that squeezed itself between you, like it has so many times before. And you wanted it, you’ll want it again. But shameful as a pile of hair and stones spattered in rusted matter, you dig through this mess to nest and slumber. Tomorrow rising will coax the sunlight, and together you can push through that awful day. For soon as the moon spills, and creamy dreams melt into your hungry cup, he will rise and fill it. So hot, the tongue and bones. Muscles wrapped in firm taught skin, pounding into you. A ring from his finger slips as second knuckle breaks the seal. Squealing in ecstasy turns to be only pain. And your erotic grimace, so familiar to the sheets, breaks back open. No nothing wrong with the dogs in heat. No one begged the groaning beast, as it came. It collapsed here groaning your name. When will the comfort of cock show its colors to you? Why are you so lost in the fist that split you? Who fingered your pussy, until your penis arose? You can ask yourself these questions as your dripping lips smear the floorboards. As the rug burns your legs, the fire scourge and charms. Listening as he buttons jeans, tearing as your floor creaks. Pale white is a terrible color for the sky, it seems. With so much spilled from you, you return from your animal state. And dredge this day, squinting and broken. The moon now spills towards the sea, saving you tonight. And tomorrow until one day, when the sun is red in the sky, and you are stroking your chest and smearing the sweat from your brow. The tanned muscles clenching as your bent downwards, stretching. Then the star burns, you snap backwards, your spine unravels. Now the wolves return, you growl knowingly. Hope made it different then, and the dark mountains blacking your past, are mounds in the distance. You find him, and there in the sunlight, with your growing crave…His arms unfold. Now swallowing is fulfilling, and the deep lines guiding you towards that beast, are well lined in joyous meat. Smile hopeful, as golden heat warms the horizon. That warm pit of gold, is only a stones throw from the pale white staining your sun. Remove your whiskers and breathe in the breeze of righteous youth, and the delicious peak of rock hard arms, open & waiting to embrace you.

xo
Noah

Dear Reader(s?),

Because time is like a giant wheel,
Turns towards and no other.
But sideways and under, over as well.
You’re on the road but there is no backwards.
And the wheel is twelve colors,
All aligned with the Suns and Moons and the Planets
It turns and the gems alive
And it throws the colors over you,
And all that isn ‘t crystal comes to age
No mourn for the creaking wheel
Or you the passenger
Bounding up the hill.
Well do you see the astral plains,
And their growing fate
The wicker passage in eternal flame?
That is a fire as soft and cool as the breeze
That alone in the cosmic distance
Guides you and grows in time
That glowing wheel
Turning you and bringing you home.
With the rainbow facets of Saturn’s rings
Linked to your soul.

xoNoah

Dear Reader(s?),

I’m wracking up the notoriety it seems. Well mostly for the comments on my Eminem video. Its obvious sum ppl are wicked UPTIGHT. I’m not gonna stress it cuz I don’t need that shit. Besides most of them were saying I was gay, which is so stupid. I’m not. My guess is the person watchin my vid was GAY. WHICH IS DISGUSTING.

So…Its hard to know whats in store for me. I was told not to go to work last week by a Divine High Power. However turns out that I actually CAN’T go to work THIS week, so now I’m in a financial Pickle. The reason I can’t go to work this week is because they don’t have enough hours, the job is “As Needed” so they can have no hours whenevs. But this is not a problem. I will simply find new work. Which may be difficult, but not impossible, it is merely a matter of time. However I just recieved an e-mail from the Nude Male Photographer who I interviewed with to clean his apartment once a week. APPARENTLY I didn’t get the job. Obviously sumbody else was willin 2 go the ‘extra mile’.

I was on the train last night and I caught a glimpse of this woman eating. I thought she looked very good eating, and had to snap a photo. Of course I was not detected taking the pic. I am a sleuth. Isnt she cute?

This is a business man who I was near on the train home. ISN’T HE FUCKING YOU RIGHT NOW? He is so cute, maybe you can’t tell from this pic. But he was like an older (bless his heart) Heath Ledger. He was speckled with silver in his magnificent hair and sexy beard. I wanted to eat his pinstripe suit right OFF OF HIM. However I am not that way.

I am going over 2 CAPE COD on thursday evening. It should be a real party. Everyone who’s anyone is gonna be there, and we r going to have a charming time. Theres something magical about courting yourself around a summer beach home sheathd in flowing linens and undergarments, wielding a cocktail and a fine salad joint, courtesy of claire danes herself. Its the magical motions of Summer Beach Parties. In life you think you got it all. You think that u can depend on all yr friends, well that may be true. But only in a true time of perilous unwellness locked in the wild hungover drunk and foodless will you realize the truth. Those who bring you cantelope and cereal until you have the energy to run naked on the beach, they are the truth.

Anyway, THATS ALL FOR NOW.

XO ,

Noah Tourjee

Dear Reader(s?),

I did not intend for this week to be the way it has been. Obviously some divine truth above us has told me how it must be. I awoke Mondya mourning quite awake I would Not be Able 2 attend work. As luck would have it I did not schedule myself any Work hours for this week (normally this would be an annoying mistake on my part) so I simply returned to slumber. Before me and my misery for the Call Center arose the most beautiful Sign. I was Psionically informed that I must not return to SEIU this week. So I am adhering to the message, and its lovely. I have already had one interview with a Fabulous Artist who lives in the Upper East Side. He photographs Nudie Men (sometimes havin’ sex) and he needs someone to clean his hardwood floors, organic bedroom carpeting, and dusty blinds. It is my intention to pick up as many little jobs like this as Possible so that I may never again need to work a 40 hr / wk position. GOOD NEWS because I have another Exciting Interview at the O.W. Bar, which stands for Oscar Wilde. The position is that of a Cocktail Waiter. I JUST KNOW I am gonna get it. I can tell that this position is meant for me, and that this week is not just mere coincidence, its all fate laying the groundwork for my future in New York City. I can taste the Success & Money. I can feel the Happiness flowing over my porcelain smooth ripe body. So please do keep your Hearts aligned with Mars, which is Obv. my planet.

I started Running, I don’t remember if I mentioned so. But the point is, that I HATE RUNNERS. And I know that I have condemned running in this very blog. I am ashamed that I have converted, but w.e. The point is that Susie got me to start running and I Love It. I am getting very Thin and Toned. I lived so much of my life behind that shield of Fat. I thought if I just let myself Go people would forget about me. But you were all there by my side as I lost myself 2 obesity in High School (which from here on out will be abbreviated to HS) I thought that was me, but now I see the real me peeling out between the rolls. I am a whole new woman, and it turns out I’m a man.

I am going to be back in Massachusetts Next Week. I am going to my Close Amie’s Soiree. I don’t speak french, and I dropped out of school before attaining a passing grade, but I meant to say CLOSE FRIEND’S PARTY. Its on the Cape and I will be Sunning and lathering, pick myself up a pair of Oaklies or Raybans, something affordable. I’m going to go and get shitfaced there, and skip to the west until I reach Northampton. Where I will then have FUN with my charming Family for Memorial Day. This of course all depends on if the jobs I am going to get need me to start by then. If so, I may not get to take my Holiday. You may be thinking I am already on Holiday seeing as I am just going on Fitness Sprints and tanning with Breakfast At Tiffanys, eating delicate truffles, shopping for household necesseties (such as the three Baby Bottle Candles I scored at the Ninety Nine Cent store) but I am not just on Holiday. I am embracing the life I deserve, and dedicating myself to making a living & being happy. Its all Unfolding in a Marvelous Way.

Gracie Berard and Olivia Littell are coasting the Astoria way this evening. It is Doll Olivia’s Birthday and we are going to get fucked up. Jackson is also coming I am told. Hi Jackson! I am so very excited. Susie & I spent today going out to breakfast 2 the diner, going on a nice run, showering, and cleaning our apartment. It is shining in its glorious kitsch.

Alright, well do try and contain your unbearable Jealousy. Also, if u read this blog & are not Registered, pls register.

Delicious & Charmed,

Noah Tourjee

Dear Reader(s?),

On a casual Sunday, I have taken a jaunt to Brooklyn to visit mon amie Derek.  We got delicious Falafel and then we went to visit Alta @ Beacons.  We ran into SOFIA, and she came with.  I turned in my resume, which is newly designed with a FLOWER on top now, so its prettier.  Anyway, at Beacon’s I found some lovely Moccasins.  They screamed to me.  I’m at Derek’s now.  And I think I just may go home soon.  Sunday SUnday SUNDAY

XO Noah